I find myself trudging through self deprecation more and more these days. I don't think I'm depressed or anything extreme, just kind of disenfranchised with my own abilities and worth. I am all at once extremely proud and arrogant of many things while also feeling the punch of my own disapproving fist. The majority of this, of course, is parenting related.
I love having a family, I have been blessed with this great well of knowledge when it comes to theories and practicals and scriptures and the like. I could be any kind of parent I wanted to be: rigid and militant, care-free and spirited...we all have our opinions on what kind of children are produced by various methods, but I'm realizing something. Asher is going to be, who he is going to be. There is a passionate, fiery, silly soul in him and I can't expect him to be anything else. I have been in a constant battle, the side of stress often winning over peace in choosing what "method" of parenting I feel best about. Why do I think I have to follow an agenda? Why does my parenting have to be "this" or "that?" I am realizing our parenting has to be from us.
Corey and I have to do what works in our family, reading and observing our child and our own flaws and strengths to find out how we can build a stable, consistent, life giving, love building home. Asher needs firm boundaries, but he also needs lots of reassurance. He needs to know that he is not in control, but that there are choices he gets to make, even this early. We've seen first hand how putting up stringent walls of structure where he is allowed little to no choice or mobility tears him down, gets him putting up the dukes all the more.
Basically, I need to stop worrying about what observers, doctors, family members, even my own friends are thinking (because it's always better than we think it is any way, isn't it) and just be a mommy to Asher. I need to pray for guidance more than I agonize over methodology. And this is my new resolution, to lay confidence in my offerings to the Lord, that HE will train me through his utterances every step of the way...yes through books, and friends and mostly, through the peace of my own conscience. Because why am I doing things if my conscience is violated anyway?
In turn, if you see me in the grocery store, or at church, or at your house, and you have tips and advice for dealing with my ambitious 1 year old, PLEASE, speak up! But know that I am listening through the ears of the spirit within me, without a guilty conscience. I'm taking a stand, I'm not going to compare myself to other mothers, or my son to other children, because positive or negative, it really adds up to very little in the end.
So, find your inner turmoil my friends, and find a way to let it go. Liberation is always sweet.
5 weeks ago