Saturday, June 28, 2008


I'm still not sure what just happened was reality. It's 1:17AM, the house is quiet, all my boys are asleep, but I'm on top of the world. At 1046PM I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize, but the voice leaving the message was a clear as I remembered it 4 years ago. Krystal called me, I finally found her and just can't even really form my words here to describe what that means to me. Talking to her again felt like it had hardly been any time between us, like we were still sitting in the dark on my bed whispering while all the other roommates were asleep. I have only scratched the very shallowest depth of what she has been through these past years, but already there is a peace in my soul that where she is now is a true place of healing and rest. The Lord has truly perfect timing, only He could have placed her exactly where she was so that this chance connection could take place. I hope so deeply that from this point I can be, in some small way, a renewed source of strength and restitution for her, to make up for all the times I could not be there, though I wanted to be so desperately.

So I write here to tell you my great joy, that my prodigal friend of friends has returned. I also write because there is great sadness in this journey, and to ask sincerely for your prayers and well wishes. Her mother, Sandra, has breast cancer, and it's angry and mad and wants to win but I know that with the prayers of the many saints who read this, she will be restored. Pray and she will overcome. Of that I have no doubt.

I love you Kiki, I can't wait to see you, the days won't come soon enough.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Busy Sadness

I've been feeling extra useless lately. Something has crept inside of me, telling me that my job as mother and wife is not enough, that I'm slowly losing my identity as an individual. I still want to do things that matter, I want to impact my friends, my community. I want to make a difference. Lately I've been feeling like I can hardly breathe with all of the little tasks required at home, much less get out of the house to do something grand. My outings (which, sadly, I get very excited about) are generally to the grocery store, bank, or church. I just don't see the world any more, I have no idea what is going on out there. The voice inside me is deafening, screaming at me that I am just existing. No more, no less. How can I reconcile this? How can I quit the navel gazing and start living a life that will inspire my son, yet still get all the little mundane responsibilities of life done? I just want to teach Asher how to do great things with his life. Not with words, but by example.

"But if I say, 'I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name,' His word is in my heart like a fire. A fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in.
Indeed, I cannot."

How is it that I feel this scripture so passionately, yet can't seem to do much of anything about it? What good is passion if I have no outlet to make it mean something? I have 100x more questions about my life. I've just been too busy with sadness to seek out any anwers.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Asher enjoying an IPA at his first post-womb Burgers and Bock.
Just joshin' ya, the bottle was empty but afforded a fun photo op. Here are a few other high chair poses for your viewing pleasure.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


It's amazing how fast this little being has developed. What was once a quiet, serene and mostly motionless lump of life has so quickly grown into a lively, energetic, loud little man with so very much vivid personality. Asher has so much to offer the world in such a little package, I learn from him everyday. Lately I've been considering my own growth, am I different than I was 7 months ago or do I sit stagnant in my day to day living? I want to thrive, to move forward, to take life on with aggressive yet peaceable action. I want to be what I am meant for, I want to be more than a conquerer. It seems at this stage in life I am being asked to stand up, to speak up, to be the voice of truth for those around me, to those around me, even to the church. It's frightening, knowing that you are being asked to be the wind of change when no one wants to fly a kite, when everyone is happy with the stillness around them. But I believe God is only alive, only active in this world when we refuse to accept all that is stolid around us, when we choose to live differently, to speak boldly and, in that, to love fully. It's a treacherous balance, but I HAVE to try. If I don't, I wonder what the world will be for this handsome little man in a funny hat.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


In college I had a roommate who was my best friend. We shared so much together. We laughed with and at each other, we stayed up late watching infomericals, convincing ourselves that we, in fact, did NOT need a Ron-Co Electric Food Dehydrator. We kept each other in shape, in line, in love with the Lord, we just kept each other. Then one day she left. Evil crept in and told her she wasn't able to make it, that she wasn't strong enough even though we all knew that she was stronger than each of us. The roaring lion of lies pursued her, caused those closest to her to sin against her, myself included, and convinced her it couldn't be made better. She left. She vanished. For 3 years I've seen her smile in pictures and mostly in my memories, I've thought about her every day. When I found out I was pregnant, my heart yearned to tell her, I just wanted her to be a part of this very special beginning in my life, I wanted to make amends and make things right again, but I couldn't find her. Yesterday, I did. Another dear friend of mine called to tell me that Krystal lives in the very apartment complex at which she just became employed. What are the odds? I believe with everything in me that this is my chance, this is the opportunity the Lord has provided for me to enter into healing with her. But now that king of liars is planting fear in my heart. Fear of rejection mostly, fear that she has forgotten me, fear that I don't matter to her the way she has always mattered to me. Yet even with all of these fears pulsing through me, I will begin to write her a letter, pouring my heart and yearning out as best I can through tears and heart ache and frailty. Please pray that she will receive me, that her heart will have had time to soften and that the wounds would be healed enough for her to left me in...