finicky

I think I may finally have found a background I can live with. Asher is just so cool, I hate to undermine him thus with lame blog decor. It's 1020PM and I'm not sleeping because Corey is working in the ER at our lovely local county hospital. It's no longer a matter of not being able to sleep out of fear or anxiety as it once was. No, dear friends, it seems that it is rather a matter of accountability. Some how with out another adult in the house, I seem to day dream in the electronic wonder of the internet. Truth be known I've been indulging in two of my favorite guilty pleasures: Diet Vanilla Creme Dr. Pepper from Sonic and various online video extravaganzas.

I window shop at a never ending mall of robust, flashing screen designs. It usually begins with gmail. A momentary glimpse to check who is taking time to enter into my inbox, so innocent, but it never ends there. I slide on over to facebook, browsing the photos of my "friends," reading updates, accepting an ever increasing number of friend requests. The bait sinks down, I'm being reeled in by my love of youTube, I hear it calling to me, I sigh and stroll on over. There I find all of my old favorites and some new. Checking up on live performances from American Idol winners of seasons past, catching the newest vid from VenetianPrincess, ALWAYS have to check up on my girl Britney. I know I'm going to have to give up my interest in pop stars as my son gets older, but for now they are just SO interesting! Often what I find gives me reason to intercede for them in prayer...

In all my efforts at piety, I'm still a troubled soul who just can't help but love the pull of secretly stalking the lives of others, feeling as if I knowthem personally. Even going so far as to use casual first name references when discussing their blogging with other obssessors. Rest assured, the hours of 9P-midnight are what afford me this luxury. I truly do my best to stay away during Asher's waking hours, to spend time teaching and training him, reading him (the same) books over and over and over again. The boy likes to read. Or be read to rather, hopefully it will translate to him enjoying books on his own later in life. But while daddy is away, mommy enjoys her subtle indulgence, and the house remains quiet.

giving it up

I find myself trudging through self deprecation more and more these days. I don't think I'm depressed or anything extreme, just kind of disenfranchised with my own abilities and worth. I am all at once extremely proud and arrogant of many things while also feeling the punch of my own disapproving fist. The majority of this, of course, is parenting related.

I love having a family, I have been blessed with this great well of knowledge when it comes to theories and practicals and scriptures and the like. I could be any kind of parent I wanted to be: rigid and militant, care-free and spirited...we all have our opinions on what kind of children are produced by various methods, but I'm realizing something. Asher is going to be, who he is going to be. There is a passionate, fiery, silly soul in him and I can't expect him to be anything else. I have been in a constant battle, the side of stress often winning over peace in choosing what "method" of parenting I feel best about. Why do I think I have to follow an agenda? Why does my parenting have to be "this" or "that?" I am realizing our parenting has to be from us.

Corey and I have to do what works in our family, reading and observing our child and our own flaws and strengths to find out how we can build a stable, consistent, life giving, love building home. Asher needs firm boundaries, but he also needs lots of reassurance. He needs to know that he is not in control, but that there are choices he gets to make, even this early. We've seen first hand how putting up stringent walls of structure where he is allowed little to no choice or mobility tears him down, gets him putting up the dukes all the more.

Basically, I need to stop worrying about what observers, doctors, family members, even my own friends are thinking (because it's always better than we think it is any way, isn't it) and just be a mommy to Asher. I need to pray for guidance more than I agonize over methodology. And this is my new resolution, to lay confidence in my offerings to the Lord, that HE will train me through his utterances every step of the way...yes through books, and friends and mostly, through the peace of my own conscience. Because why am I doing things if my conscience is violated anyway?

In turn, if you see me in the grocery store, or at church, or at your house, and you have tips and advice for dealing with my ambitious 1 year old, PLEASE, speak up! But know that I am listening through the ears of the spirit within me, without a guilty conscience. I'm taking a stand, I'm not going to compare myself to other mothers, or my son to other children, because positive or negative, it really adds up to very little in the end.

So, find your inner turmoil my friends, and find a way to let it go. Liberation is always sweet.

helper

Asher doing his favorite chore. He's my little Roomba!

While we're here talking, let me just tell you about our recent excitement. We are deploying operation early potty training around here, just trying to get the little bum used to the little potty, no serious expectations yet. Yesterday we successfully and happily sat on the potty for 20 minutes, but in the end flushing would have been futile. Alas, I was content in his lack of resistance and sometimes that is just enough. I knew, however, that he was do for #2 any minute, so I let him roam the halls with just a shirt on, diaper free with the intention of keeping my hawkeye open for any sign of "effort." I stepped for a SECOND into the kitchen to throw away a piece of paper only to glance into the dining room to see Asher, hands behind his back, hips jutted forward, happily streaming all over the hard wood floors. Seriously you guys, there was some machismo going on in that dining room, I wish I had video of THAT.

taking a minute to say...

This picture is AWESOME.

laugh-a-thon

At least once a day I turn off the sink from doing dishes or pause from doing some other chore to see this. It is a major highlight in my day and reminds me of the joy I should have in all situations, no matter what greyness the day lends or what heartache I might feel, there is always reason to giggle. Uncontrollably. For no apparent reason. Will is REALLY funny.